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What is the difference between a sofa and a man watching Monday Night Football?
The sofa doesn't keep asking for beer.                   
There's a big conference of beer producers.  
At the end of the day, the presidents of all beer
companies decide to have a drink in a bar.
The president of 'Budweiser' orders a Bud,
the president of 'Miller' orders a Miller Lite, Adolph Coors orders a Coors, and the list goes on. Then the waitress asks Arthur Guinness what he wants to drink, and much to everybody's amazement, Mr. Guinness orders a Coke!
    "Why don't you order a Guinness?" his colleagues ask.
    "Naah. If you guys won't drink beer, then neither will I." 
An Irishman is sitting at the end of a bar. He sees a lamp at the end of the table. 
He walks down to it and rubs it. Out pops a genie. It says: "I will
give you three wishes".
The man thinks awhile. Finally he says: "I want a beer that never is empty."
With that, the genie makes a poof sound and on the bar is a bottle of beer.
The Irishman starts drinking it and right before it is gone, it starts to refill.
The genie asks about his next two wishes.
The man says: "I want two more of these."
 A guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. After a few more he needs
      to go to the can.
      He doesn't want anyone to steal his drink so he puts a sign on it saying,
      "I spat in this beer, do not drink!".
      After a few minutes he returns and there is another sign next to his beer saying, "So did I!"
What's the difference between a violin and a viola?
1) The viola burns longer.
2) The viola holds more beer.
3) You can tune the violin.
How to impress a woman?  
Compliment her, cuddle her, kiss her, caress her, love her, stroke her, comfort her, protect her, hug her, respect her, wine and dine her, buy gifts for her, stand by her, support her, go to the end of the earth of her
How to impress a man?
Arrive naked… with beer.   

To be, or not to be, - that is the fate…
Too beer, or not too beer - question of the time...
Two bee, or not two bee - don't drink so much!

A man walks into a bar and orders a beer then looks into his pocket. He does this over and over again. Finally, the bartender asks why he orders a beer and after drinking it he looks into his pocket.The man responded, " I have a picture of my wife in there and when she starts to look good then i'll go home".  
The angry wife met her husband at the door. There was beer on his breath and lipstick on his collar. "I assume," she snarled, "that there is a very good reason for you to come waltzing in here at six o'clock in the morning?" "There is," he replied. "Breakfast."

A father was trying to teach his young son the evils of alcohol. He put one worm in a glass of water and another worm in a glass of beer. The worm in the water lived,
while the one in beer curled up and died. "All right, son." asked the father, "what
does that show you?" "Well, Dad, it shows that if you drink alcohol, you will not have

What is a man's idea of a balanced diet?
- A beer in each hand!